two more things

1 - make-up is silly and unnecessary.

2 - the smoke all over this house makes me feel trapped and really uncomfortable.

this made sense when I wrote it

time flows irreparably and throughout syntaxes
we don't care to understand
it's imperative to find a structure worth
building, a structure worth living in and
around and through, a structure to grow
with and realize the finality of 'becoming'
with.
this is the place you will create and
revise and trash and re-create for the
rest of your days as 'you', if those
days can even be owned by one
singular 'you'.
our 'you' or our 'i' if you so
prefer is a constant flux of
ideas and actions and regrets and
perfection
moments capture these things
and continue to expand and
contract with us as humans
our self identity as humans is
what we've all got. sexuality and
gender and race and socio-economic
background don't matter because
first and foremost
we are humans.
that's the thing we have to grasp
if you leave 'you' behind and
realize our 'you's are only part
of a 'we' then that's all that
can be done. from there we're all
evolving into beings that are worth
being and becoming once the
'we' is shown to be universal the
separate identities and entities
evolve and expand.
this is being human
this is being alive!

There is something comforting about listening to my father and my brother discuss soccer and movies and everything under the sun while the game is on and the cheers of the fans are taking me back to the Revolution games and the cookouts and the camps and the crushes and when everyone was relatively close geographically.
Things sure have changed, which is obvious and is to be expected; coming to grips with changes is just a strange process. Of course college is becoming this huge part of everything and is freaking me out, though that's becoming standard.
Blah blah blah, banter banter; it's a lot of talk that is hard to process and grasp and fully realize. Everyone is saying that wherever I end up I'll be happy, which I think is true, but it's still incredibly stressful and annoying and I want it to be over.
None of this matters really.

thank you

http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Ramble/howl_text.html

-thank you-

part II

commercial minds filling and overflowing
over and over and over
continuous stimulation breeding boys and girls to be resurrected at the dawn of a new age
with 'folk ditties instead of rock n roll'
and it always goes back to everything
devolution, here we come

19 June 2009

'This isn't about love as in caring. This is about property as in ownership.'

+

'...the glory boys at your bedside will love you as long as your something to own...'

state of disrepair

Every time I listen to a certain Toby Foster song I feel like going to college is the absolute worst thing for me to do. How are we supposed to know which paths to take? I feel completely lost and it is scaring me more so than before.

'My heart's no longer in every thing that I do like I remember it used to be, but it still feels good to at least be doing something.'



I've got nothing to lose.

things I like

stand up basses and melodicas and people with glasses (and people without glasses) and boys skipping and girls playing baseball and thunderstorms that go on for days and hybrid instruments and trumpet melodies and ideas of faraway places and realities of those faraway places and languages and toes and clarinet harmonies and big band sounds and normal kids who are my heroes and ethiopian food and taking pictures of my friends and swinging and holding hands. I really like holding hands. Let's hold hands. I hope run-on sentences don't bug you; it's not really a run-on sentence, it's more of a list connected with 'and's.

15 June 2009

unfurling capsules of moments left dead and dry upon the cliffs of time
only to be refreshed once in a while by the ebb and flow of forever
nostalgia's the name of the medicine
prescriptions for the price of happiness
a fair trade if necessity rules the kingdom
undoing the things that have been done
and redoing those things that only sentiment understands
rewind and fast-forward
but never stop, never pause
immortal movements captured within the time it takes to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide
only to be unfurled later by the ones who were too young to understand
the ones that were not yet of the age when things begin to crumble, irrevocably so
these are the ones who will unfurl
undo
redo
rewind
fast-forward

quoth the unknown 14 June 2009

'People keep saying when they hear Jeff Mangum that they can't beleive how much beautiful music is created by just a man and his guitar. I think the stories he creates in his music and his own are so deep and intertwined that these songs are almost like pages in his diary, and when we see the diary stop, we just want him back.'

Though it is not 'just a man and his guitar'. It is a handful of beautiful people making said stories come alive and become a part of us; that's the way I see it anyway.

!

I just cannot begin to express my feelings in this moment.
Maybe elation works
sort of
and admiration with a tinge of moroseness and envy.


_______________________________________________
There are some people that you can watch perform and just watch and listen to (sing or speak) for hours on end. I want to meet these people and surround myself with them because they are so vivacious and full of the best things. It's not that I want to be entertained constantly, it's that these people make me so awestruck I cannot create the words necessary to explain myself.
I just want to be able to get on all right and know that there are people that love me that I love and we all can be okay together. I just need to know that these people are real and they can exist for me in my realm and our circles can overlap.

I wish my voice sounded different

and



and not to mention




lock me in the cupboard
bring me out on holidays
we'll dance until we break
we'll dance until dawn
we'll dance until the break of dawn

phuture

the prospect of college is freaking me out
I think I'd rather go to Prague or California or Southern France or Washington to work and learn and meet nice people and probably some not-so-nice people

I don't know who 'you' is supposed to be, or 'me' for that matter

the wind keeps telling me secrets that you're not willing to share
my pockets are full of pebbles so I won't lose my way
cause your words are so well-placed and layed out so carefully
but they're all empty

my mouth is filled up with cotton each time I see your eyes
_________________________________________________



the sparks beneath your eyelids were a sure fire sign you were alive and well, or at least alive. the way your voice bent when you
said, 'I'll stay,
but I'll take the couch;
you take the bed.'
I knew from the angles in your voice that this was doomed,
as right as rain,
as sure as winter turns to spring.
but it's all okay.
we're built to be broken
and a moment is all perfection can hope for anyway.
we're still here and I'm still
in this bed alone
and you're still on the couch
convincing yourself that's where
you should be.

Miles

'radio static and hollowed out chests' 9 june 2009

winter pushed through your teeth and made everything
cold
but you danced in the snow
in the freezing cold
while I walked home along the buttons
of my own spine
bittersweet, each step away from you
bittersweet.
each step back toward myself

from january

there is nothing to broadcast.
there is nothing to say.
there is nothing to sing.
there is nothing to love.
there is nothing to be.
there is nothing to write.
there is nothing to exist.
there is nothing.

in progress - 9 june 2009

in the belly of a whale far away
are the instruments of time
and in this whale's belly you can find
all your useless memories

capsules of moments caught in the rain
left to fend for themselves
nostalgia is the name of the game:
play at your own risk